Who am I now? What am I going to do with my marriage?
When my spiritual self died, I was confused. I didn't know what I should become as a person when my lifetime belief in God was simply gone. I instantly understood all the views and actions taken by a materialistic atheist. It would sound funny to you. I tried to become morally corrupted, but I just could not do it. After awhile, I realized the innate personality is still separate from one's belief. You may believe that something is right, but you may still not do it.
I managed to become marginally corrupted to get myself into a divorce that is still ongoing.
Even though I love my wife very much, and she loves me very much, we still aren't able to reconcile. I believe that she isn't able to let go my past errors. She loves me so much that she wants me to leave and find a good sex life, preferably not thru re-marriage but in a long-term sex-only partnership, so that our family may re-unite one day again. On the opposite side, I am determined NOT to live in a sexless torturing life anymore. Marriage without sex for me is simply not an option. I'm also not sure if I want to form a sexual relationship outside an open marriage, as she has suggested.
In the meantime, waiting for children leave for college, we try to cohabitate and cherish the remaining time that we have for each other. She asked me to conform to her rules of not forming any online/offline relationship emotionally or physically while divorcing, or else I should leave the house immediately to have such relationship outside. For children's sake, I comply fully. And if she can forgive me for my past little errors anytime before children leave college, I told her that I will get back to her without hesitation.
It has been more than one year, and she hasn't taken up my offer. And it looks like she simply won't. I will also always love her as a family. But without sex, I will not be able to love her as my wife, once the current waiting period is over.
