People say that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I would like to believe so.
Going from the impregnation of first Panda to the next, the couple only made love four times inclusively. That was truly devastating for Monk. But he remembered the passage from Corinthians 13:4-8: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. "
He protected, trusted his Princess Pea, and hoped and preserved in the sexless marriage. He loved his Princess Pea unconditionally.
As the little Artistic (second) Panda grew up, his happy birthday celebration became the annual sad reminder of another sexless year. The occasional hand jobs and intimacy could not dispel the strong urge of an actual intercourse.
Finally, about into the eighth year, they tried again. At half inch and one second into the act, the sensitive Princess Pea complained about pain, and that marked the end. The last thing Monk wanted to do was to impose pain.
If you count that one-second as sex, then the entire dry spell was not 4169 days. Monk wrote a long letter to Princess’ gynecologist before her annual exam, only to find out that the doctor had retired. The requests to seek medical help before and after that "great one second" were always answered as “I asked doctor, and that is what you get in pre-menopause. “ It didn’t go further than that.
Gradually, SL Monk sunk into a deep depression. When the wife was just a roommate, what was the meaning for marriage? And when you earned and paid for everything, but still didn't earn your way to bed, how much more could you do? There was nothing that Monk could do to improve the situation for the only desire of his entire life. Yet he presevered and focused all of his sexual thoughts on his beloved wife. He never watched pornography. Even in dream, he was always faithful as in reality.
Every new year day, he had a same new year wish. Then came the Chinese New Year day in February or March. He made the same wish again. Eventually, he stopped making any wishes and hated the new years. In fact, he started to hate every new morning. Why did he need to wake up to face another hopeless day? The morning woods were almost a daily reminder of the unfulfilled desires. Towards the end, he asked Princess Pea, "can we have sex this year?" He asked twice in a roll on two new year days, to which Princess Pea replied with silence. The third time was the charm, they said. Monk gave up asking after two new year days. He did not want to suffer the disappointment of not even getting any verbal answers, on top of all the constant frustration.
Never had Monk imagined that he had to consider chemical castration before divorce. Never had Monk imagined that he had to choose to living in despair versus suicide without considering divorce nor extra-marital affairs. He would not hurt his own body nor taken his own life, for he was brought up reading all the Chinese filial legendary stories that even every hair strand should be treasured because it was given by Parents, and that the worst thing to do to Parents was to let them hold your funeral. Yet, he refused to consider divorce or any unfaithful acts against his marriage. He loved his wife and God so much that such options were not even options. But he was unable to become like a celibate monk.
Monk barely prayed for anything from the Heavenly Father, because he was content at his place in almost everything except this sexual matter. He had always believed that Father would provide. As he got more desperate and hopeless, he stopped praying for a better marriage and sex life. He prayed that Father would console him and come to give him a needed hug in vision or dream. He believed that Father would carry him over the trials and tribulations. He yearned Father to come, to love him as he should be loved. To provide him for his needs.
Crawling through the long dark tunnel of depression, he held himself to the highest standard of marriage loyalty from Bible in actions and thoughts. He waited patiently for Father for just a hug from Him.
Father never came.
At the end of the dark long tunnel of 4169 nights, there was nothing to be found. Not even a tiny glimmer of light.
